What does it mean to live your truth? This was a question that I had to answer this week and lemme tell y'all, it had me feeling all kinds of feelings.
“What would others think of me?” “How can I avoid feeling hurt?” “Am I going to be terrible at this?” “How can I love other people and how can I let them love me?” “Will living my absolute truth hurt those around me?” This is what I fear when I think about living my truth. I am realizing that the fucked up part about my fears is that 99% of them have nothing to do with me. Or maybe they really do and it’s all in my head. Why am I subconsciously letting others dictate my own control of my life?
There are still areas of my life where I am seeking to discover what living my truth means to me personally. At this point, I am not sure what it is in a tangible sense but it’s more of a feeling for me. This entire teacher training process is teaching me the importance of authenticity and how it opens my heart to living my truth by seeking out what feels good to me physically and emotionally.
When I think about living my truth, I keep coming back to being vulnerable.
If I am being honest, I think this is the most difficult for me to be, being vulnerable. It is the one quality in myself that I am so quick to run away from. Other than this entire teacher training experience, I can count on my hand the amount of times I have been completely and utterly vulnerable in my life. I’m realizing now that it’s so much of the perfectionist in me. When I think about vulnerability and how it relates to myself personally, my thoughts instantly think about it in a negative connotation- being weak, too open. The funny thing is, I want so badly to be vulnerable and I am envious of those around me who are. When I perceive it in others, I see bravery, complete happiness, and a high sense of energy that others are drawn to. So why can’t I see it in myself?
One of the most freeing experiences for me has been heart-openers during yoga [To my fellow yogis, can I get an 'Amen!'?]. The amount of vulnerability I feel in these poses is so liberating that I often find myself in tears after class because it’s so powerful and moving. I ask myself how wonderful life could feel if I felt as vulnerable in life as I did in that moment. I am not even sure what is holding me back other than my fear of being hurt or shamed. Maybe it’s wanting to find someone who is just as vulnerable in a place of non-judgment when it can be so difficult to find in a world that exists as we know it. It’s so much easier to build walls and then blame or question why others feel so distant but the truth is that I am the one that is building those walls.
I started this yoga journey with the intention of finding out who I am. What I am finding is that it’s not that I didn’t know who I was because deep down inside, I know who I am. I am kind, worthy, giving, [too much of] a perfectionist, a caring friend, supportive wife, and at times, sensitive. I also know that I want to be better. By becoming more vulnerable I will be able to move closer to the truth of who I really am down deep inside and allow others to see it as well. It’s not so much about who I am or who I am not but more so a practice of how I can keep reaching toward my truth. More about living with intention and less out of fear. Acknowledging where I am today and that it may not be the same as where I was yesterday or where I will be tomorrow. I read once that you cannot live when you are untouchable. So here’s to hoping that my heart will crack open and a party full of confetti, openness, lovely thoughts, and sunshine pops out for me to share. Namaste, y'all!