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Thursday, March 12, 2015

The Day My Whole Life Changed


Two weeks ago, I was sitting at my computer working on my next blog post. It was 5:00 and I had just got home from work. My phone was dead and I thought it would be a perfect time for me to write down my bucket list for my upcoming birthday. You see, my birthday was three days later. I had all of these great ideas on what I wanted to accomplish and things that I wanted to do during the next year of my life- take up tennis, get my teaching certification in yoga, travel more. I'm sure that there were more of which I no longer remember, but at this moment of my life, it doesn't even matter. That's because on February 23rd, my whole world stopped.  

I am not going to spare you all with the details because to be frank, they are all too real and too raw and too personal to share. My life today is no where near what it was last week nor will it be what it is today, tomorrow, a week, or even a month from now. My life is forever changed. Two weeks ago, my dad died unexpectedly. It has been the most heartbreaking, surreal, and absolute worst experience of my life. 

To be honest with you, you won't even begin to understand how I am feeling unless you have ever been in my shoes, and I would never wish that upon anyone. You won't know what it's like to rush to the hospital two and half hours away and see your dad suffer due to something so unexpected or to sign a death certificate, or make decisions like what funeral home he needs to be sent to. You won't know what it's like to be in your twenties and have to make decisions on your father's funeral like what readings to be read or what hymns to sing. You won't know what it's like to be sitting in the funeral home with your twenty five year old sister and have to make choices like which casket to pick for your dad or whether or not you want his organs to be donated. You won't know what it's like to be having calling hours for your dad on your birthday and wishing that he was there to celebrate with you instead.  

I'm not telling you all of this out of self pity or attention, but because I want you to know that this is real life. Life is hard and it isn't always fair. One day you can be here and the next day, you can be gone. I still am having a hard time even wrapping my head around how I am feeling or coming to terms with the fact that he is gone. One minute I am doing fine and the next minute I can't stop crying. I'm telling you this because maybe you are like me and are trying to find comfort in your own loneliness. 

I have said it before and I will say it again: There is never a right time to lose a parent.  You can be twenty eight or sixty eight and it's still going to be the hardest moment of your life because it means that an entire chapter of your life is over and you have to start facing life on your own. That is the trouble with time, there is never enough. I truly believe that there is no amount of time that will prepare you for the grief that you will find. You will always want one more day, always ask yourself "what-if", and you will always ask yourself "why." I won't be able to pick up the phone to ask him how to make a special recipe or joke with him about something that happened when I was five. I have so many questions yet no answers and I sure as hell don't have it figured out. If anything, it's getting harder before it's getting better. So please excuse me if I am not always my witty or cheeky self in the coming months but this blog is a way for me to be authentic and true to who I am, sadness and all. In this moment, I am lost, I am heartbroken, and I am hurting.  It can be hard for me to blog when I am having trouble finding joy on a day to day basis.

So I am sorry if being true to who I am and how I am feeling does not live up to blogger world standards. It may not always be happy hues and snazzy outfits from here on out and if that is not your thing, then feel free to stop following along. This is my life right now and I am trying my best to keep floating. I am learning to live without my dad, trying to fill a void in my heart where he has left, and create a new normal.  






6 comments:

  1. I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss, Jenna. No words can make the situation feel any better, but know that you are in my prayers and you are a such a strong person that can get through anything.

    Xo-
    Claire

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  2. I'm so sorry to hear about your father's passing. Please know that I will be praying for you and your family. And thank you for your for your honesty and sharing the good and the bad.

    PS. I know that the blogger Alyson Haley of http://www.sequinsandthings.com lost her mom unexpectedly within the past year.. don't know if you know each other, but I just thought I would mention it.

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  3. I read your post this morning and it deeply impacted me. My heart aches for your loss! I will keep you in my prayers as you go through this trying time.

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  4. i'm so sorry for your loss
    peach goff

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  5. Jenna, I'm so sorry to hear about your dad, and my prayers and thoughts are with you. You were so brave to share this on your blog, and I hope you and your family are able to find some comfort during this tough time.

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  6. To hell with "blogger standards." Your blog should be whatever you want it to be, and real and raw is absolutely okay. Jenna I am so sorry that this happened. I hate that there are unanswered questions. I hate that there is the kind of pain that you have to go through. I am absolutely praying for you and your sister. Sending love your way.

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